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Friday, May 25, 2018

Back home again

In less than a week, I m going back home again, felt super excited because it has been quite a long time I didn't go back home gathering with all my family members. From my heart, I would like to tell my parents that I would like to continue my study but I cannot brace myself to tell them that, I would rather keep it as my own secret store it inside my heart again because the probability for their answer should be no. But if I didn't manage to have a chance to study again, then I would just move on. Or I might just have to find a way to earn side income to support my own education.

All these while I m living alone and no one could be my listener except myself. Every evening went back home with stress all over my mind, I only can listen to music or watch TV to temporary forgot what had happened during the day because I know I have no one to rely on except music and entertainment. Now I start to feel how does it felt when you got all the freedom by staying away from your family members but in the end no one is going to give you courage when you are down because you live all by yourself, alone here. Now I just need to be strong again, I've been through a tough life recently which I couldn't complain of, because as long as you start to complain it would become a joke for others. If possible I really need a time machine to go back to the past and fix all the errors and mistakes that should be fixed. Then the outcome would be super perfect and my future will be super bright. But human never know what happens in the future, I cannot predict because all my prediction would rarely come true, or should I said never comes true, in fact, all going to the opposite direction. Am I wasting too much time in the past? by keep changing my study course while still knowing what I want? Since 2004 I start my diploma and after graduated I work for a while, not even half year I start complaining about working life is tough, 2008 I start to take my degree course, for a sudden I stop and flew to the peninsula to take another course then came back again and continue my degree again.... I really wasted a lot of time, keep studying just to stay away from working life. In the end, I still have to face working life, where people are fake, and not as fun as college life. I really don't know should I take another video graphy course since I've been studying for so long and only worked for 7 years. If I continue to take another course, how many people out there would start to laugh at me? especially my own relatives who love to criticise me for studying so many years. Maybe it was fated, fated for me to keep studying because I m a slow person, I need to study more to gain more knowledge and to be equal to others. I know I m not smart because I have heard this statement " you are slow and less intelligent " since my kindergarten era. So I admit it!

Ahhh I have too many promises to keep for myself but never act, what should I do??? ?? I've so many fear trapped inside me. I cannot burst them out because of heavy traffic inside!!I m stuck so my life is stuck, I don't wanna stuck here forever!!! Please whoever out there, God or angels or anything that could help me please help me solve my problem!!! I wanna eat cheesecake again but why my health avoids me to do so?????  I wanna start all over again by taking new degree course but my age avoids me!!!! I wanna go for traveling again but having not enough $$$ avoids me!!!! I wanna stay young but my wrinkles avoid me!!!! Now I wanna eat KOLOK MEE and the time avoids me!!!!  It is better for me to be excited about going back home issue, yeah another 3 more days I m saying bye bye to meow meow city. 

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